Photo by Jeff Deck

Men banned from national parks after vandalism.

From The Boston Globe, August 22, 2008.

Summary:

Two white people from the Somerville, MA created an organization called “TEAL: Typo Eradication Advancement League,” and vowed to travel across the country fixing typos.  This is especially interesting since every other time two late 20s white males have traveled across the country it has been to visit all 30 Major League Baseball stadiums.

All was well until the two men defaced a hand painted sign in Grand Canyon National Park.  They were caught, arrested, fined, and banned from National Parks for one year.

While white people have little trouble paying fines of $3,000, the ban from public parks for one full year is considered especially harsh considering white people’s need for camping and other outdoor activities.

Questions for discussion:

1. When there is a typo on a vintage sign, what is more important: Grammar or character?
2. Once all typos have been corrected, what will be the next cause for white people to solve? (side note: do not say Africa, white people are already fast at work making t-shirts)

Related Links

Original Article about TEAL

Thank you to Maureen Bensily who sent this in first, and thank you to every else who sent it in slighty after her.

Stuff White People Like has entered its seventh week on the New York Times Best Seller List!

In related news, the book will be released on September 1st in Australia through Hardie Grant Publishing. It will be available in all fine book shops in throughout Australia.

Among the wrong kind of white people, there are few more hated than the wigger or whitethug. Though it is very acceptable and common for the right kind of white people to dress and act as though they were Japanese, Chinese, or European, it is completely unacceptable for them to act like rappers.

This distaste caused a dilemma for white people who had to show both that they loved hip hop but also that they were aware they were white. The brilliant solution they came up with was to appropriate hip hop words and mannerisms and filter them through a white appropriateness system.

For example, white people find it particularly hilarious to take slang and enunciate every word perfectly.

“Homey, that bernaise sauce you made is wack. Do you know what I am saying? For Real.”

“Well, I used a different type of butter. I switched the style up, so let the haters hate and I’ll watch the deliciousness pile up.”

Since the above exchange involves people who are very aware of their whiteness it is hilarious, but if it were to be said by wiggers, it would be tragic. The difference is subtle but essential.

This is also an excellent way to make white people like you. If you can recite rap lyrics with perfect enunciation, they will always find it funny. As a rule of thumb, the more popular the rapper, the funnier it gets. Best options: 50 Cent, Tupac, Biggie Smalls, or Jay Z. Note: avoid Kanye West as the irony of reciting his lyrics with perfect English is not as great.

In terms of physical actions, there are few things white people enjoy more than throwing up fake gang signs in photos. Again, the same rules apply: if it is done by wiggers it is tragic, if it’s done by the right kind of white people, it’s hilarious. It’s not a good idea to mention how these signs have often resulted in awful, senseless deaths– that will ruin the joke.

In both cases, the actions are done in hopes that a white person will be recognized as “one of the good ones,” who love hip hop, but don’t try to appropriate it in any non-hilarious ways.

In both cases, your best response is to say “did you go to the last Dead Prez/Roots/Mos Def/Twaleb Kwali/Michael Franti concert? It was incredible. I smoked weed and kept this one finger up for almost an hour!”

Though this information has very little use in and of itself, it could be the final piece in the puzzle of cementing your white friendship. At the very least, it is a guaranteed way to help your progress.

photo: goldberg (via flickr)

Social Networking sites have been embraced by white people since their inception. Because these sites use profile pages, white people can more efficiently judge friends and future friends on their taste in film, books, music, and inspirational quotes. Advanced level white people, fearful of being judged on their tastes from last week, will often only list one or two ironic things as their favorites. For example under music they would simply list “P.M. Dawn” or under films they would choose only Armageddon. In both cases these ironic answers serve as protective shields from the harsh gaze of other white people.

However, it is important to remember that the “where” is often as important as the “who” when it comes to social networking. As noted in earlier posts, white people are obsessed with being in the right neighborhood and the Internet is no exception.

In the early days, white people joined a social networking service called Friendster where they could connect with old friends and make new ones. Eventually, white people started to notice more and more of their friends on MySpace, so they closed their Friendster accounts and migrated to the new service. It was like living in a neighborhood that was pretty good but kind of far away, so you might have to miss out on a few parties. Needless to say, this was unacceptable.

For a brief period of time, MySpace was the site where everyone kept their profile and managed their friendships. But soon, the service began to attract fake profiles, the wrong kind of white people, and struggling musicians. In real world terms, these three developments would be equivalent to a check cashing store, a TGIFridays, and a housing project. All which strike fear in the hearts of white people.

White people were nervous but had nowhere else to go. Then Facebook came along and offered advanced privacy settings, closed networks, and a clean interface. In respective real world terms, these features are analogous to an apartment or house with a security system/doorman, an alumni dinner, and a homeowners association that protects the aesthetics of the neighborhood.  In spite of these advances, some white people still clung to their old MySpace accounts.  That was until they learned that Facebook started, like so many things beloved by white people, at Harvard.

Within a matter of months, MySpace had gone from a virtual utopia to Digital Detroit, where only minorities and indie bands remain.

If you plan on befriending white people, it is essential that you join them in the digital suburbs and open a Facebook account immediately. It’s also a good idea to make up a story about how someone from high school sent you a friend request and after accepting you discovered that they were fat and unsuccessful. White people love these stories.

In an unrelated note you can join

Stuff White People Like Facebook Group

Stuff White People Like Facebook Application

LOS ANGELES - Tuesday, July 29th, 7:00 PM

Book Soup

8818 Sunset Blvd. (map)
Los Angeles, CA
310. 659.3110

AUSTIN, TX - August 7th, 7:00 p.m.

BookPeople

603 North Lamar Blvd
Austin, Texas
512.472.4288

VICTORIA, BC - August 10th, 2:00 p.m.

Chapters Victoria
1212 Douglas Street,
Victoria, BC

VANCOUVER, BC - August 12, 7:00 P.M.

Chapters/Indigo Robson Square
788 Robson Street, Vancouver, BC

Note: if you are interested in having an event at your book store or have a media request please contact Barbara Fillon at Randomhouse (bfillon@randomhouse.com)

In most of the world when a person works long hours without pay, it is referred to as “slavery” or “forced labor.” For white people this process is referred to as an internship and is considered an essential stage in white development.

The concept of working for little or no money underneath a superior has been around for centuries in the form of apprenticeship programs. Young people eager to learn a trade would spend time working under a master craftsman to learn a skill that would eventually lead to an increase in material wealth.

Using this logic you would assume that the most sought after internships would be in areas that lead to the greatest financial reward. Young White people, however, prefer internships that put them on the path for careers that will generally result in a DECREASE of the material wealth accumulated by their parents.

For example, if you were to present a white 19 year old with the choice of spending the summer earning $15 an hour as a plumber’s apprentice or making $0 answering phones at Production Company, they will always choose the latter. In fact, the only way to get the white person to choose the plumbing option would be to convince them that it was leading towards an end-of-summer pipe art installation.

White people view the internship as their foot into the door to such high-profile low-paying career fields as journalism, film, politics, art, non-profits, and anything associated with a museum. Any white person who takes an internship outside of these industries is either the wrong type of white person or a law student. There are no exceptions.

If all goes according to plan, an internship will end with an offer of a job that pays $24,000 per year and will consist entirely of the same tasks they were recently doing for free. In fact, the transition to full time status results in the addition of only one new responsibility: feeling superior to the new interns.

When all is said and done, the internship process serves the white community in many ways. First, it helps to train the next generation of freelance writers, museum curators, and director’s assistants. But more importantly, internships teach white children how to complain about being poor.

So when a white person tells you about their unpaid internship at the New Yorker, it’s not a good idea to point out how the cost of rent and food will essentially mean that they are PAYING their employer for the right to make photocopies. Instead it’s best to say: “you earned it.” They will not get the joke.

http://apps.facebook.com/stuffwhitepeoplelike/results.php

After a successful beta run, the Stuff White People Like Facebook application is now live.

Though the book contains the definitive and authoritative quiz to determine whiteness, this Facebook application contains an all new set of questions and the ability to see the whitest users and networks on the popular social networking site.

Currently, the whitest networks on Facebook are:

BOSTON - Thursday, July 10, 7:00pm

Harvard Book Store

1256 Massachusetts Ave. (Map)
Cambridge, MA 02138

SEATTLE - Tuesday July 15th, 6/8 p.m.

http://www.onepot.org

In tribute to this scaldingly fun satire of many of us, we are throwing a dinner, along with One Pot at The Hideout on Tuesday, July 15.  Dinner is at 6pm and cost is $60/person, which includes a copy of the book, STUFF WHITE PEOPLE LIKE: The Definitive Guide to the Unique Taste of Millions.  You MUST call or email the Book Events office to RSVP, (206) 632-2419 or info@kimricketts.com (tickets are limited).

But there is good news for the people who don’t get one of the coveted seats at dinner…

The party, celebration, book signing, and shindig will continue into the evening…and anyone can show up after 8pm.  Free to get in, no host bar, and books will be for sale. Let the good times roll!

The Hideout

1005 Boren Avenue (Map)
just north of Madison on First Hill.
Seattle, WA

WASHINGTON, DC - Wednesday, July 23, 7.00 PM

Politics and Prose

5015 Connecticut Ave. NW (Map)
Washington, DC
202.364.1919

CHICAGO - Friday, July 25, 7.00 PM

Book Cellar

4736-38 N. Lincoln Ave. (Map)
Chicago, IL
773.293.2665

LOS ANGELES - Tuesday, July 29th, 7:00 PM

Book Soup

8818 Sunset Blvd. (map)
Los Angeles, CA
310. 659.3110

Note: if you are interested in having an event at your book store or have a media request please contact Barbara Fillon at Randomhouse (bfillon@randomhouse.com)

Stuff White People Like is being released in book stores today. It’s also available from the following online retailers:

Amazon

Barnes and Noble

Book Sense

Borders

Powell’s

In Canada:

Indigo/Chapters

Amazon.ca

Features:

• 50% new content, exclusive to the book!
  
• The definitive quiz to determine your precise whiteness level
• How to name a white child
• Where should a white person live?
• and much more!

Check out Stuff White People Like on Facebook

Become a fan

http://www.facebook.com/pages/Stuff-White-People-Like/15412733774

Join the group

http://www.facebook.com/home.php#/group.php?gid=21454015421

If you see a white woman and you are trying to figure out whether she is liked or just merely tolerated by white people, the best thing you can do is get a quick look at her haircut. It is a known fact that white people love women who wear their hair with bangs that hang straight down.

A number of very popular white women have worn this hairstyle including Joni Mitchell, Jane Birkin, Jenny Lewis and every girl ever photographed by Vice Magazine or the Cobrasnake. (Note: it is a good idea to familiarize yourself with these two things as they are both beloved by cool white people. Follow up note: these same things are hated by cooler white people).

Many people associate this type of haircut with children and people looking for the most efficient way to get hair out of their eyes. But for white people, this simple haircut makes a bold declaration by saying that the wearer is artistic, deep, and has probably dated a guy in a band you like. Of course, as with many things loved by white people, simple often means expensive and these haircuts usually cost upwards of $100.

It is essential for you to know this haircut is more than a mere fashion statement– it is an important cultural marking. Throughout the world, many cultures feature ceremonies to announce that a girl has become a woman. For white people, the haircut-with-bangs is an important symbol that a female has completed her transformation from a nerdy girl to a cool woman. In fact, if you went to high school with a nerdy white girl who moved to a big city, there is a good chance she will show up to your high school reunion with this haircut.

When you are introduced to a group of white people, it’s a good idea to befriend the girl with the bangs. She’s probably the most popular.