The Onion

Juicer Infomercial Sweeps Early Morning Emmys

Sat, 30 Aug 2008 07:00:32 -0400

LOS ANGELES—TriStar Products, makers of Jack LaLanne's Power Juicer released a statement saying it was an honor just to be nominated alongside the Total Gym.

[audio] God's Gift To Women Returned

Sat, 30 Aug 2008 01:00:12 -0400

Onion Radio News - with Doyle Redland

Smiling Now Primarily Used To Communicate Anger

Fri, 29 Aug 2008 10:00:00 -0400

NEW YORK—The smile, a facial expression traditionally used to convey joy, pleasure, or amusement, is now mainly used to suppress rage,...

Mugabe Heckled By Parliament

Fri, 29 Aug 2008 07:00:24 -0400

President Robert Mugabe of Zimbabwe was loudly derided as a murderer by the Movement for Democratic Change as he opened a meeting of parliament. What...

[audio] Area Man Always Picked Last For Employment

Fri, 29 Aug 2008 01:00:44 -0400

Onion Radio News - with Doyle Redland

Report: Turkey Sandwiches An Excellent Source Of Turkey Sandwiches

Thu, 28 Aug 2008 13:00:36 -0400

CHICAGO—Turkey sandwiches, long suspected of being a rich source of turkey sandwiches, were found to contain a substantial amount of turkey...

Amish Population Boom

Thu, 28 Aug 2008 07:00:40 -0400

Over the past 16 years, the U.S. Amish population has nearly doubled. What do you think?

Hawaii Wins Little League World Series

Thu, 28 Aug 2008 07:00:32 -0400

WILLIAMSPORT, PA—The Hawaii team, known for its powerful lineup of short, fat Skill 5 hitters, defeated the Mexico team 12-3 in the championship game of the Little League World Series, a four-round, single-player tournament held from 2 p.m....

Report: Dwyane Wade Left Cell-Phone Charger In China

Thu, 28 Aug 2008 07:00:18 -0400

MIAMI—After turning on his cell phone upon landing at the Miami International Airport Monday, Team USA basketball guard and gold medalist...

[audio] Challenging New Iraq War Video Game Will Take 14 Years To Play

Thu, 28 Aug 2008 01:00:00 -0400

Onion Radio News - with Doyle Redland

Cheney To Speak At Republican Convention From Section 109, Row 56, Seat 3

Wed, 27 Aug 2008 16:00:00 -0400

WASHINGTON—Vice President Dick Cheney's office announced today that he will speak at the upcoming Republican National Convention in St....

Wed, 27 Aug 2008 12:00:11 -0400

Party! Yeah, man! All right! Can you believe this?! Damn!Dude! Party!What's that? Huh? I can't understand you over the noise...

FBI Launches Nationwide Manhunt For New Office Manager

Wed, 27 Aug 2008 08:30:56 -0400

WASHINGTON—The Federal Bureau of Investigation announced Monday that it will use all of its resources to sweep the nation in an exhaustive...

Obama Modifies 'Yes We Can' Message To Exclude Area Loser

Wed, 27 Aug 2008 08:00:15 -0400

COLUMBIA, SC—Nate Walsh, who has lived with his parents since 2001, no longer figures into the senator’s plan of rallying Americans around a common, higher purpose.

America Needs To Have A Superficial Conversation About Race

Wed, 27 Aug 2008 07:30:11 -0400

The people of America need to put aside their differences and come together on common ground. Especially at this crucial moment in our history....

Moisturizers Cause Cancer In Mice

Wed, 27 Aug 2008 07:00:18 -0400

Four moisturizers have been found to cause skin cancer in mice. What do you think?

Bush Lets War Widow Punch His Arm Once

Tue, 26 Aug 2008 10:00:18 -0400

WASHINGTON—In an unprecedented gesture of apology, President Bush allowed widow Mary Holt, 32, to punch him once on the left arm Monday as...

Hummingbird Back At Feeder Again, Grandmother Reports

Mon, 25 Aug 2008 09:00:01 -0400

DES MOINES, IA—Calling the bird her "special visitor," Eileen Lankford was impressed by its appetite and noted that he "certainly liked to get his tiny beak in there."

Superintendent Draws Up 'Dream School Board' Of All-Time Greats

Sat, 23 Aug 2008 09:00:15 -0400

BROWNSVILLE, IN—Peter Geyer passed on legend Frank Caldwell, saying his reputation was more based on mystique when his plane crashed after only one year on the board.

Aaron Sorkin Announces New 'West Wing' Animated Series At SorCon

Fri, 22 Aug 2008 11:00:00 -0400

SAN DIEGO—The new series will provide die-hard "Sorkies" with extended 40-minute walk-and-talks, faster dialogue, and a cast of over 70 main characters.