http://www.theonion.com/content/index Your weekly horoscope from The Onion -- America's Finest News Source en-us http://www.theonion.com/content/horoscope/aug-26-2008 Friends will soon think of you every time a gasoline truck crashes into the side of a burning building. Tue, 26 Aug 2008 08:30:12 -0400 Horoscopes http://www.theonion.com/content/node/85218 http://www.theonion.com/content/horoscope/aug-19-2008 The important thing is that you tried. Not that you failed. Which you did. Though that's not important. No, the fact that you failed is not important at all. Tue, 19 Aug 2008 13:00:47 -0400 Horoscopes http://www.theonion.com/content/node/84794 http://www.theonion.com/content/horoscope/aug-12-2008 After years of being an emotionless drone, you'll finally break down and cry this week, instantly rusting your metal hinges and joints. Tue, 12 Aug 2008 08:30:55 -0400 Horoscopes http://www.theonion.com/content/node/84385 http://www.theonion.com/content/horoscope/aug-05-2008 Lately it seems like you can't say anything without people getting hurt. Don't be alarmed: You're just a terrible hostage negotiator. Tue, 05 Aug 2008 13:00:39 -0400 Horoscopes http://www.theonion.com/content/node/84020 http://www.theonion.com/content/horoscope/jul-29-2008 Surprises await Leo around every corner, down several long stretches of highway, and over one rather bumpy off-ramp this week. Tue, 29 Jul 2008 09:00:35 -0400 Horoscopes http://www.theonion.com/content/node/83626 http://www.theonion.com/content/horoscope/jul-22-2008 You've never been the athletic type, so it's a bit of a surprise when you're suddenly struck with a dozen errant javelins. Tue, 22 Jul 2008 16:00:00 -0400 Horoscopes http://www.theonion.com/content/node/83192 http://www.theonion.com/content/horoscope/jul-15-2008 Scientists will discover a new substance more dense than uranium and plutonium combined, at which point you'll kindly ask that they leave your home. Tue, 15 Jul 2008 10:00:45 -0400 Horoscopes http://www.theonion.com/content/node/82760 http://www.theonion.com/content/horoscope/jul-08-2008 You'll fail to find happiness at the bottom of a bottle this week, but by that point you'll be too drunk to really care. Tue, 08 Jul 2008 11:00:00 -0400 Horoscopes http://www.theonion.com/content/node/82177 http://www.theonion.com/content/horoscope/jun-17-2008 Action and adventure await you this Thursday, though not before hours of pointless exposition and predictable plot twists. Tue, 17 Jun 2008 14:00:00 -0400 Horoscopes http://www.theonion.com/content/node/81360 http://www.theonion.com/content/horoscope/jun-10-2008 Tomorrow will be the perfect day to curl up in bed with a good book and sob hysterically about how you never learned to read. Tue, 10 Jun 2008 01:00:47 -0400 Horoscopes http://www.theonion.com/content/node/81025