Half Full: Science for Raising Happy Kids

How To Make Your Kid into a Perfectionist

Christine Carter — Thu, 04 Sep 2008 01:17:42 +0000

In my last post, I made the case for preventing perfectionism in children, and got a slew of emails from people asking how to prevent perfectionism.

Kids today, especially upper-middle class kids, are under a lot of pressure to achieve. Kids who feel pressure to be perfect are prone to depression, anxiety, and substance abuse. As parents we have a choice: pile on the pressure, or help them see that there is more to life—and to them—than their achievements. Here’s how parents create perfectionist children:

This isn’t rocket science: parents mold their children into perfectionists by wanting and expecting their children to be perfect. Since no child actually is perfect, when parents push for perfection, kids feel criticized.
Parents who are perfectionists themselves teach their children to be perfectionists indirectly. Are you overly concerned about making mistakes? Chances are your children will be, too. Wean yourself from perfectionism if you think you might be part of the problem (I’ll post more about how later this week).
They make their approval contingent on achievement and performance. This is easy to do accidentally – it is classic fixed-mindset thinking. Parents who value their children’s achievements more than their character tend to create perfectionists.
Even when children are doing very well, perfectionism-creators find faults: they raise an eyebrow at the one B on a report card full of A’s, they point out the bad pitch in a game well-played. Praise kids for a job well done without pointing out what they could have done better. Even better, use only growth-mindset praise.
Perfectionism-creators are unable to see the positive aspects of mistakes, failures, and jobs left undone, feeling that their children’s poor performance will reflect badly on them. If you find yourself doing everything within your power to prevent your children’s failures—bringing forgotten homework to school, staying up late to “help” rewrite a paper, manipulating the system to your child’s advantage—take a step back and ponder whether you really want to prevent your children from learning to deal with challenges and mistakes themselves.

Sometimes parents do everything right and their kids turn out to be perfectionists anyway. Aside from being a perfectionist herself, my mother did very few of the things on that first list, but because she loved us so much and was so dedicated to our success, she protected us from making mistakes in every way she possibly could. Though I did unequivocally become a perfectionist over-achiever, my brother escaped this fate (he’s merely very successful, fulfilled, and happy). The good news is that I seem to have kicked the habit – evidence that people are resilient, adaptable, and able to change.

The next couple of posts will give you even more tips for paving the way for both success AND happiness this school year. Next week I’ll discuss how you can discourage “maximizing,” which is a form of perfectionism, and teach “satisficing,” — a goofy word for meeting expectations and feeling good about it.

My friend Kelly Corrigan—a New York Times best-selling author—is happy and successful, but not a perfectionist. She writes here about the things her parents did that made her at ease with making mistakes and accepting good enough as truly good enough. What did your parents do that discouraged perfectionism? What do you do with your children?

Step 2 for fostering success and happiness, but not perfectionism:
Accept that Achievement Doesn’t Matter. Seriously.

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Perfectionism is a Disease

Christine Carter — Sat, 30 Aug 2008 15:39:49 +0000

Although in my last post I heartily extolled the importance of hard work, I'd like to clarify that I'm not advocating that you push your children to become perfectionists. Perfectionism is not a happiness habit. Maybe it isn't technically a disease (I am trying to be science-based here) but as a recovering perfectionist I can testify that perfectionism is the absolute bane of happiness. Perfectionists are prone to depression and severe anxiety, and they are more likely to commit suicide when things go really wrong.

A lot of people incorrectly assume that perfectionism propels kids to the top of their class, their teams, and eventually their fields. But it isn't the perfectionism that is doing it, it is the hard work. To the contrary, perfectionism tends to detract from success:

Perfectionism creates a steady state of discontent fueled by a stream of negative emotions like fear, frustration, and disappointment.
When you are a perfectionist, you can’t enjoy even your successes—there is always something you could have done better.
Because failure is not an option for perfectionists, fear of failure becomes a driving force. All that fear diverts energy from more constructive things, making perfectionists less able to learn and be creative. Perfectionists expend a lot of energy on the things they are desperately trying to avoid: failure and the criticism they imagine it will create. Ironically, this preoccupation has been shown to undermine performance in sports, in academics, and in social situations.
Perfectionism—like all fixed-mindset thinking—keeps kids from taking risks and embracing challenge. Rising to a challenge is one of the best ways to go from being good at something to being great.
Perfectionism leads kids to conceal their mistakes and avoid getting constructive feedback. In nearly every field—writing groups are the most obvious example here—group critique is a rapid way to get better at something.

Perfectionism is NOT about setting high expectations or being successful in your endeavors. It is about being concerned about making mistakes and about worrying about what others think.
We also know that for the most part, kids aren't born perfectionists—their environment creates them. As parents put more and more pressure on their children to achieve, more and more children are becoming perfectionists.

What do you do as a parent to foster perfectionism in your child? Do you have ideas about ways you’ll discourage it in the future? Have a story about the perils of perfectionism? Please share it by leaving a comment!

Step 1 for fostering success and happiness, but not perfectionism:
Teach a Growth Mindset

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The Science of Success

Christine Carter — Sun, 24 Aug 2008 04:54:39 +0000

Psychologists have established a solid link between happiness and success. Happier people earn more money, perform better, and are more helpful to their coworkers. Most people assume that this link exists because people feel happy when they are successful. But actually, the scientific evidence suggests that happiness often precedes success, and that fostering happiness and other positive emotions can lead to better performance.

Happiness obviously isn’t the only, or even the most important, factor when it comes to achieving greatness. Though Tiger Woods might golf better because he’s a happy person (I have no idea) no one would say he rose to greatness on the back of happiness.

Instead, most people would point, emphatically, to Woods’ incredible talent. But researchers across a wide array of fields have produced remarkably consistent findings: innate ability has relatively little to do with why people go from being good at something to being truly great.

People who rise to greatness tend to have five things in common:

They practice hard, in a really specific way. Nobody makes the list of true greats effortlessly. Accomplished people devote hours upon hours to what researchers define as "deliberate practice." This isn’t just poking around on the piano because it is fun; it is consistently practicing to reach specific objectives say, to be able to play a new piece that is just beyond your reach.

They practice consistently. K. Anders Ericsson, author of a landmark study on this topic, says that "elite performers in many diverse domains have been found to practice, on the average, roughly the same amount every day, including weekends." Knocking out a bucket of balls on the weekend isn’t going to make you a great golfer but doing it every day might.

They gain experience over the long haul; researchers call it the 10-year-rule. Most successful people average ten years of practice and experience before becoming truly accomplished. Even child-prodigies generally work at it for a decade or more. Bobby Fischer became a chess grandmaster at 16 years old, but he’d been studying since he was 7. Tiger Woods had been working on his golf game for 15 years when he became the youngest-ever winner of the U.S. Amateur Championship.

Most greats have had significant failures–it goes with the territory. J.K. Rowling’s first Harry Potter book was rejected by 12 publishers. Michael Jordan was cut from his high-school varsity basketball team. The great receiver Jerry Rice was judged as slow, and was passed up by 15 teams. But all three of these people became known for their perseverance and hard work. (Rowling delivered an incredibly moving commencement speech about embracing failure at Harvard; watch it here if you haven’t seen it already!)

Great performers have been shown to believe that their persistent effort will lead to success; researchers call this self-efficacy. Parents and teachers can build self-efficacy in kids by giving them effective encouragement (vs. empty praise), by helping them find effective strategies for mastering an activity, and by helping kids model their practices on the behavior of others who have succeeded.

Will stunning success bring your kids true happiness? Probably not. But knowing that it is practice that makes a person successful rather than innate talent can help kids take the risks they need to in order to rise to the top of their field. More than that, though, research shows that seeing effort as the key to success helps kids enjoy their activities a whole lot more than they do when they are worried about proving their special talent to the world.

JKR’s Commencement speech at Harvard

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Back-to-School: Play and Academic Success

Christine Carter — Mon, 18 Aug 2008 22:23:17 +0000

[Note: If you subscribe to get postings by email, I apoligize for the emails you got this weekend. We’re still trying to figure out why they went out (clearly my area of expertise is NOT why feedburner does what it does). Big thanks to our awesome volunteers and web people, Seamus, Alexandra, and Dave, for all your work on this blog. As you can see, I am now officially back from my summer blogging hiatus. Thank you for coming back, too! I welcome your suggestions and comments.]

Why I’m Going to *TRY* Not to Over-schedule My Kids This Year

School starts next week, and so our kids will be back to a day of structured learning. But this year Fiona won’t be taking Spanish and Mandarin and knitting and drama. Most days after school she and Molly [who starts Kindergarten!!], are going to walk home, hopefully with the neighborhood kids, and hang around and play.

Why?

I keep reading the statistics about how kids are spending less time playing, both indoors and out, and about how they are spending more time in organized activities (particularly athletics). Over the last two decades, children have lost 8 hours of free, unstructured, and spontaneous play a week.

Spending more time in front of the TV and in piano lessons and less time playing in the backyard is changing kids’ cognitive and emotional development. We know that children’s capacity for self-regulation—their ability to control their emotions and behavior and to resist impulses—is much worse than it was 60 years ago. In one study, today’s 5-year-olds had the self-regulation capability of a 3-year-old in the 1940s, and today’s 7-year-old barely approached the level of a 5-year-old 60 years ago.

The benefits of play are great – more far-reaching than just helping kids learn to self-regulate. Child-led, unstructured play (with or without adults) leads to intellectual, physical, social, and emotional well-being. Unstructured play helps children learn how to work in groups, to share, to negotiate, to resolve conflicts, to regulate their emotions and behavior, and to speak-up for themselves.

And it turns out that sacrificing play to earlier academics and earlier sports does not necessarily lead to greater success, and might even hinder it. In one study, children attending academic preschools showed no advantage in reading or math achievement over kids who went to play-based preschools—but they did tend to have higher levels of test anxiety, were less creative, and they had more negative attitudes toward school than the kids in play-based preschool.

Three Things to Keep in Mind When Playing with Your Kids

Let your kids lead.When we find ourselves saying things like “I like the game you are playing, but why don’t you let Sarah be the girl and you be the daddy?” to our kids, we are probably dominating their play too much. Don’t correct your kids when they are playing unless they are being unkind. If you notice yourself frowning, sighing or rolling your eyes when your child isn’t playing the way that you want him or her too, take a step back and let your child direct the play.

Don’t play with your kids in ways that bore you. Spend time playing things that you enjoy (while still letting them lead). I love to rough-house with my children, and I can see why it strengthens our bond. But I have a hard time participating in their pretend play without getting bored—so I mostly skip doing that with them. Child-parent play has been virtually unheard of throughout most of human history, and even now about 75% of the world’s population would think it odd for a parent to get on the floor to play with a child. So it is perfectly fine for parents to back-off a little bit and let children play on their own or with other children, especially once they are 4 or 5 years old. Kids learn how to entertain themselves this way, and how to get along with other children.

Pretend play is particularly beneficial, so make sure kids have ample time to do that. Children with imaginary friends are not crazy or troubled; in fact, research shows that they are actually less shy than other children and more likely to smile and laugh in social situations. Projecting personalities and having make-believe interactions with stuffies, toys, or imaginary companions is a healthy way for kids to develop the skills they need to focus their attention and get along with other children. Dramatic pretend play with two or more children stimulates social and intellectual growth in children, which in turn affects the child’s success in school.

The more complex imaginative play is, the better. Make sure that kids have enough time: a half hour is the minimum. Play that lasts several hours is better. Encourage kids to use symbolic props rather than prefab toys – sticks for fairy wands and boxes for cars or houses.

Older children can be encouraged to participate in drama classes and clubs.

A note about privilege: Make no mistake—I know that it is a privilege for my kids to be able to walk home from school and “just play.” They can do it because I have a lot of flexibility in my job and because we live in a really safe neighborhood with sidewalks. Most kids no longer live in neighborhoods where a 5 and a 7 year-old can just take the dog for a walk without an adult. Play is disappearing from our children’s lives not just because we value it less in our no-child-left-behind efforts to help our kids excel at school, but because as a society we aren’t doing enough to protect it as a possibility for all kids.

What are your thoughts about scheduling your kids? Are your kids over-scheduled? If so, why? If not, do you ever feel guilty that they aren’t enrolled in more activities? What do you think a good balance is for your kids?

Related links from Greater Good magazine:

Can We Play? Play is essential to positive human development, but kids are playing less and less, says psychologist David Elkind. What can we do to build a new culture of play?
Games Animals Play Animal play is serious business, say scientists Lee Alan Dugatkin and Sarina Rodrigues.
Confessions of an Anxious Parent Are today’s parents afraid to let their kids play? Jill Suttie tries to strike a balance between safety, freedom, and success.
The Wild Ones Adults have always tried to control children’s play. But Howard P. Chudacoff argues that the kids will always win.
Playing the Blame Game Video games stand accused of causing obesity, violence, and lousy grades. But new research paints a surprisingly complicated picture, reports Jeremy Adam Smith.
With Friends Like These… Marjorie Taylor and Alison B. Shawber explain what imaginary friends can reveal about the kids who create them.
You’re It! Play isn’t just for kids, reports Karen Solomon.

References

Raising Happy Kids on Summer Vacation

Christine Carter — Thu, 03 Jul 2008 19:32:46 +0000

Happy summer! I hope all of your families are settling into a summer routine that is more lazy than crazy. Personally, I find it really difficult not to super-schedule my kids into a different camp each week now that school is out (so that I can get a little work done!). If you are like me and need a little reminding that unscheduled time to play is critical for our kids’ health and happiness, check out the last issue of Greater Good magazine, which has several articles about the benefits of old-fashioned play.

I’ll be back in late August with more information and some new videos about how and why we should resist over-scheduling our kids once school starts again. We’ll be working on the blog all summer, so please post your suggestions for improvements and future topics. If you have a burning question about raising happy kids and want to know what the research says, now is the time to raise it!

If you are new to the blog—or a busy parent who missed a few weeks—I hope you’ll check out some of the posts below. Or watch a video!

Changing Bad Habits Into Good Ones
Happiness Habits How-to, Part I
Habits How-to, Part II
Habits How-to, Part III
Habits How-to, Part IV

Family Meals
Making Dinnertime Worth the Effort
What Kids Learn During Dinner

Fathering
Are Dads as Essential as Moms?
How Do We Get Dads to be More Involved?
Is a Divorced Dad as Important as Other Dads?

Forgiveness
Forgive and…Feel Happier

Gratitude
Teaching Gratitude
How Not to Raise an Ungrateful Brat

Grown-up Relationships
Your Love Life, Your Child’s Happiness
How to Fight
5 hours to a Better Relationship
Your Paltry Sex Life

Happiness is a Skill
Introduction: Emotional Literacy & Raising Happy Kids

Mothering
Confessions of a Selfish Mother
How to be a Happy Mom

Optimism
The Benefits of Optimism
Raising Optimistic Kids

Success
The Psychology of Success
Achievement Doesn’t Matter
The Right Way to Praise Kids
Let Your Kids Fail

Did you catch my blogversation series with Kelly Corrigan?

Introduction: Emotional Literacy & Raising Happy Kids
The Psychology of Success
Achievement Doesn’t Matter
The Right Way to Praise Your Kids
Let Your Kids Fail
How Not to Raise an Ungrateful Brat
Materialism v. Altruism During the Holidays
Family Meals are Hugely Important
How to Get the Most Out of Family Dinners

Photo credits: Christina Koci Hernandez for the SF Chronicle

Christine Carter, Ph.D., is a mother of two and the executive director of the Greater Good Science Center at UC Berkeley. Find more tips for raising happy kids at greatergoodparents.org.

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References